You were staying in a room alone. The room was made of glass. It was entirely a warm soul.
You were naked in the middle of the room. You were sitting on a chair. Your room was oscillating in the middle of a warm, familiar never-ending dream. All times in the world were passing through your face. I was missing all times at your face…I was out of all of the times at your face
You were alone in your room; but even if I desire to live magic and profoundity, it was you to make me go to the the world -still i don't know it's place. It was your eyes, in which can be seen my infinite dream...my infinite loss...some of my existence had gone to you and some had remianed with me. The piece which was with you was going to the real world,other souls and other lives…..
You didn't let me come in to your room, by your side
The most real, the most brave, the most virtuous part of my existence was with you and had gone to other lives and souls with you.
This is how my big isolation started…..
My life passed in front of your room, waiting for you to invite me in ....
I couldn't say that I didn't live, I do.
I had loves .I got achievements. Guests came to my home…. I had crazy, vagabond, spoilt summer nights with full of passion…I got letters with full love, telegraphs, calls….I went journeys. I waved my hand with joy and dazzling to people who welcomed me. I had appetite. My wishes were seemed to never come to an end…...at my birthdays while I was cut my birthday cake, -to myself and everyone- I always wished more luck than we deserved …..
But anyhow I couldn't forget you kept me waiting in front of your door, you didn't take inside, the most meaningful ,real part of my existence remained with you, I couldn't forget the deep pain of my bisection and this was going to last for years and never stop.
Some nights I opened my window and took a deep breaths. While breathing; for to make me stronger and forget my pains; currying favor to God was crossing in my mind
Your room was a inseperable part of the nature. Your room was waiting silently among the most serious murders of nature….The glasses which were made by dereclicted souls heated more…If I could break the glasses and touch you, convince myself to you, the all benignity and love of the universe would flow into me, I know…….
The emotion that I never felt while I was living looked like so close that I can touch . but why was so far? I couldn't understand....I supposed "to know" could solve this enigma…I was thinking if I work for this distance, you could take me inside…
Because people in the cities I lived in; may create big surprises and promises from the most desperate situations… as if these people were living together for effacing of those big losses…
I was the one of them and one day I supposed one day you would open the door and take me inside and would really love me ……
That's why I couldn't concentrate on anything in the world. I couldn't do anything completely in this life…people who see me supposed that I took revenge myself
My life was an endless postponement.
Actually this wasn't a belate. Even not a resignation from life. And also where I could go without you? If I became distant to you, I would be late for everything. If I give up loving you, I would take revenge from everything. If I give up loving you, I would take revenge from myself…….
The chance for going to the distant place where I wanted is only possible if I am beside you. Because whenever I looked in myself, I could see all times passing through your face, all yearnings, the roads that open to the real world
though your face and different and other lives…….I saw my remained part of my existence on your face. This kind of times a smile shaded by pain but forgiving was appearing on your face. and this smile made feel one day I will meet my remained part inside you…
At that time this deportee would come to an end…
At that time all worries , this guiltiness,this paltriness,this fears , this every other day suicides that I live would come to an end.
Do you know how is the living this feeling deliberately?.....
Deliberately hit the unfamiliar and foreign roads that you already know you wont come back ….
Seeking you in every person you came cross…supposing you fall in love with someone who reminded to you…keep struggling for committing all your life to this relation even knowing that its not you.
Do you know how is the living this feeling deliberately?.....
Lets think, I cheated my dreams, my excitements, my childhood, my pains with you….
I cheated all love that intently I started for forgetting you with you again….
I cheated my self for years since you didn't take inside with you……
The only true thing was my love for you ….and because if this truth my whole life was sinked into lie ….
You gave the ones who loves me a gift which is ghost since you excluded me …
A ghost was sinked to love and yearning from top to toe....
They didn't see me, they always saw you inside of me. Most of them couldn't stand more and walked out…..
Some of them waited in front of that door where you made me waited at…..if I get tired of waiting you and may walk out from here with them……..
And the most i believed in their love. The most I deeply deplored for them. And I always wondered how they could love a ghost for year unrequited …because of those unbelievable, eternal love they had for a ghost I believed that the world is a better place and there are many reasons for living….
To the ghost who cheated every love which is intended to forget you….
To the ghost who cheated itself, its whole life, dreams, childhood, pains with you….
To the ghost whose life was a big lie because of the only true thing he felt was your love…....
CEZMI ERSOZ
